Bedlamites contest entries from Adam and Tony

Wm says: I’m proud to bring you two more excellent entries from the Bedlamites contest.

Adam Greenwood’s entry:

Jibr Archaelogic Catalogue
Fragment XVIII, Menninger Expedition

Wo unto the mites of Bedla
And unto Ylum’s ass.
For in Bedla [there] is no people
And in Ylum no corn.
The mosquitos mourn that once sucked blood
in Bedla,
and in Ylum,
the locust hungers.
Wo also unto those who dwell in Sane,
For the Mighty One is angry,
Yea, He is mad, He rageth,
And their idols Sup and Erego, their Apy and their Putic,
He will smash, yeah, He will smash.
He is done with counselings,
let the men of Sane be afreud.

Comment: A post-exilic composition, perhaps originating in the Bin Luny cultic complex. The association with the god Talt, as suggested by the Vienna School, must now be dismissed as a guess.

Tony Allen’s entry:

From the diary of Glorfinda L. Jackson, Martian Mormon

18 Kumbha 2524 (Darian Calendar): Brother Keane and the elders came over today to clean up the mess left by the bedlamites last night. The ion capacitator was in a shambles, which left the air in the house all purple-tinged and tasting like burnt licorice. They’d somehow gotten into the ration pantry and ate nearly a month’s worth of lime gelatin compound, and what they didn’t eat, they spilled all over the kitchen. It looks like the snows of Olympus Mons in here.

* * *

15 Pisces 2524 (DC): The discovery of life on Mars was a big deal, so I’m told, but no one really figured the kind of nuissance [sic] the bedlamites would turn out to be. Everyone was expecting either some form of advanced “little green men” or some stupid germs stuck to some ice somewhere. Turns out, bedlamites are somewhere in between–little red men that are just smart enough to get into all sorts of things they shouldn’t, but stupid enough to make us settlers rue their very existence!!

* * *

4 Mina 2524 (DC): Brother Keane says this is the worst bedlamite infestation he’s ever seen, and he’s seen a few. Turns out they’ve built a colony in the basement–bored right through the cement foundation. I can’t even get down there without them throwing things at me and trying to trip me when I walk down the stairs. He said that if we don’t take care of them now, they’ll get into the life support. Not good.

The extermination of bedlamites is banned by law, unfortunately. Luckily, Brother Keane says there’s a non-violent means of getting rid of them: you can use loud music to flush them out. He says that something from the 1980s–a kind of music called a “hair band,” whatever that means–will usually get rid of them. I’ll see what I can drum up in the library archives.

* * *

26 Mina 2524 (DC): Well, it’s been three weeks, and this so-called “hair band” music has just about driven ME out of the house, not to mention the bedlamites. I don’t know how the old-timers could stand to listen to that stuff–it’s just noise! And the silly costumes “¦ good grief!

But it seems to have worked. I went down into the basement this morning and only saw one of the nasty boogers. It ran into a hole in the wall which I blocked up with Insta-crete. Hopefully that was the last of them.

Brother Keane told me how the music works. Bedlamites, it turns out, are terrified of earthquakes. They don’t actually hear the music–since they don’t have ears, not in the human sense, anyway–they feel it. The vibrations of this “hair band” music feel like an impending earthquake, and that sends them scurrying away like so many vermin. All I can say is GOOD RIDDANCE!

Monsters & Mormons: round 3 of admits

Yes, progress is being made, and Theric and I are pleased to announced round 3 of admits to the Monsters & Mormons anthology. These 7 works bring us to 15 total. There is still room for more. And we are continuing to work on figuring out which submissions will make the cut. Once again, until you have been specifically e-mailed a rejection, your work is still in the running. And, once again, we’re not doing this in order of our favorite works to our least favorites or anything like that. This is simply the next round we want to announce and is calculated to show that whole thing about range and depth*. And yet again, we’ve got some pretty awesome authors and works here (in no particular order):

  • The novella Fangs of a Dragon by David J. West — a Porter Rockwell (tall-) tale that draws heavily on late 19th-century Utah history and folk legend
  • The short story “I Had Killed A Zombie” by Adam Greenwood — a zombie post-apocalyptic first person account that riffs off of Joseph Smith’s rhetorical style
  • The short comic “Mormon Golem” by Steve Morrison — a reworking of the Golem legend set in 1838 in Far West, Missouri
  • The short story “That Leviathan, Whom Thou Hast Made” by Eric James Stone — space opera of the alien-encounter sort with an unusual Mormon angle that was originally published in Analog
  • The short story “The Living Wife” by Emily Milner — a domestic-drama ghost story with a very Mormon context
  • The novella Brothers In Arms by Graham Bradley — action-packed zombie military sci-fi with Mormon protagonists
  • The short comic “Traitors and Tyrants: A Wives of Erasmus Adventure” written by John Nakamura Remy with art by Galen Dara  — ninja action adventure Mormon polygamy/State of Deseret alternate history steampunk

Note that I use the word Mormon as an adjective a lot in the descriptions above. Part of that is that I don’t want to get too far in to spoiler territory, but it’s also that each of these works very much embrace both the Monsters and the Mormons aspects to this anthology. We’ve got some good ones here, folks. And more to come.

*For example, you’ll notice that we have included at least one novella and two short stories in each class so far. That trend may or may not continue.